Epitome of Cool

I am just the coolest person in the world. It's Saturday night and here I am; in my pajamas, watching a stupid vampire show (although Angel is Weadon's so point there I guess), making chicken nuggets, and drinking wine straight from it's screw top bottle.

I am also avoided having these things called feelings. Because fuck that shit. There is no way I need to spend any more time analyzing what the hell all of these feelings mean. I mean I'm basically talking myself into something whenever I do. And I don't want that. I think. I don't know. I'm a twentysomething there is no way I should know what I want. What's the point of your early twenties if it's not to make mistakes and mess everything up and then realize what it is you are destined to do?

I think the wine may or may not be the thing that's controlling my fingers right now.
blah blah blah.

The horror movie and me.

"Feelings are stupid, that's why I'm watching Carrie." -me.  (actual snippet of conversation that took place)

This is pretty much how I deal with my emotions. Watching a movie based on a Stephen King novel. Well, that or curling up, knees to chest, and bawling uncontrollably. It's really gross, there's snot and nasty sounds; aka ugly crying at it's best/worst(?). Generally speaking though, I stick to Carrie and the Shinning.

 
Hi, I'm a twenty-something, and I am a complete fucking mess.

The Perils of Almost 22

First off: FUCK TAYLOR SWIFT. Being close the age of 22, I can tell you that it is not fun,  or magical. You do not forget about deadlines, you do not go out dancing with your friends every night.

My friend T.P. and I both agree that maybe shit is great when you're 22 and RICH AS FUCK, but for us normal, average, American twenty-somethings being 22 means debt, loans, finding a reasonable rent, living in this little thing I am fond of calling REALITY.

I mean, I got screwed out of a living situation and was forced to deal with the fact I have to be out of my house before the end of the month. I can tell you, you don't exactly forget the deadline when you may possibly be homeless. Trust me, it fucking stays with you.

Anyway being a twenty-something with a semester left in school actually really sucks. Yes there are magical moments made up of fairy dust and unicorn poop, but most of the time there's an aching feeling like you messed up everything and that you wish you could start college over and actually get things right. You can't. You have to deal with what happens and move on. You're broke? Get a job. You need a place to live? Check every where you can. Need help? Don't be afraid to ask for it. And I can tell you, if you ask, most of the time, people will help you out. The world is funny like that. But most of all: learn to be self-sufficient.

It's important to realize that I am being slightly hypocritical, but I can admit that so I guess that's cool. Not really, but I'm a work in progress. That's what it's really like being 22. Not knowing who you are, still figuring out how to navigate the world, and maybe do something to make it a better place. I don't know, my mom was a communist hippie at some point.

The point is being 22 is not magical. It sucks. It can have it's awesome moments, but for the most part it's about being scared shitless about the fact that you're about to go off into the real world and become a responsible, functioning, member of society.

And now for something totally (not really) different

SO MANY FEELS.
Seriously. Boys are just making everything in my head so confused and unsure. I am a strong, semi-confident twenty-something, and I'm letting the stupidest things trip me up. I HATE feeling like this. It's just so out of my control I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to feel.

Jesus. You'd think I'd have a grasp on this shit by now. Then again I've spent the better part of six years repressing memories and avoiding having feelings about someone I stood a chance with because I honestly could not handle being touched by another person. But actually dealing with the bullshit, and understanding that I do have power in situations, and that I'm not a victim, I've finally been able to talk to people I have interest in and allowed myself to actually have feelings of a romantical nature.
AND NOW IT'S DRIVING ME UP A FUCKING WALL. because boys are seriously such idiots sometimes.

On the bright side of my day there was a cute boy at the grocery store today and apparently we looked at each other in a 'sexual' manner. (or so says my lovely lovely darling friend Tequila Phoenix) actually she thought we knew each other because of the way we were looking and smiling.

Gin Rummy's still got a little spark in her after all. (Gin Rummy is me btw) But really, it is nice to know that I still have enough faith that the universe won't screw me over again, and that cute boys still smile at me after I've been out in humidity for a while.

Part eight: The future and beyond

Let's clear the air first: We did not hook up. And now he's gone on to real life and I'm still here with an extra semester left.
But I will say that two days later one of the guys that had been out drinking with us did message me via the facebook and ask me to go out for drinks. Which was unexpected. We didn't end up going out because he had gotten a gig that night so we said we'd reschedule. Haven't heard from him since that.

Which leads me to this clearly over analyzed conclusion: The Boy and his friend had a conversation where there was some sort of man territory mapping out. The feminist in me is pissed but the friend in me understands. While what I do is none of his business, I'd still feel weird if the other guy didn't mention that he asked me out to the Boy. It's kinda a gray area.

I haven't heard from the Boy since he left, though he did like one of my statuses on facebook so I guess that counts. But we haven't had one of our long texting conversations that we used to have, so that's kinda a bummer. Despite all the weird feelings he is one of my best friends and I really don't know how I would have made it through school if it wasn't for our ridiculous bar adventures.

Maybe something will happen, maybe nothing will. For now I'm going to be young and careless and enjoy the fact that right now, there is nothing but possibilities open to me.
( I'm listening to Ellie Goulding right now so I'm all "Let's go Scream into a ravine! Then do something crazy!" She has that effect.)

Anyway, that's the story so far and if and when something happens I'll probably blog about it, because I'm vain and think that my story clearly needs to be read. Not really, I'm just a bored twentysomething bitching about the fact life can be a total dick.

part seven: awkward feelings make me awkward

Funny thing, when you become close to someone sometimes you mistake the feelings you feel for something that is not what you really feel.

Like the ten minutes I thought I like-liked the Boy. Weirdest three days of my life.

I mean, you spend your entire friendship joking around about how freakishly well you get along and how people assume you're dating, and yet you always stop short of actually having that conversation about the awkward feelings that ARE CLEARLY THERE. No, you stick with the plan: ignore and deny. Which we do quite well. Granted I only have my side of things and I really don't know how he feels and again it's not like we're ever going to talk about this but, for sake of the rant we'll say the feeling is semi mutual.

But the start of this feeling is all his fault and I will maintain that until the day I die. It all boiled down to overhearing a snippet between Boy and his roommate. It was dumb of us to think that saying goodbye during a baby bar crawl would actually be a good idea. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast and got quite drunk, thank you two dollar Tuesday, and great game of Sink the Biz.

I had to tune my cocktail ears on at exactly the wrong time. And that's when I heard it. (For the record I heard this totally out of context so I have no idea if this pertains to me, and on that note I was drunk and therefore also do not know if this is what was really said.) In context with the parenthetical, as a human I understand things through my own lenses and therefore must have been projecting my own drunken feelings into the situation. BUT IT'S STILL ALL HIS FAULT.

Anyway I thought I heard him say and I quote "Dude, I mean do you think I should go for it?"
and then the response " I mean do you think it's worth the risk"

Coming up: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS GOING ON? A mutual friend asks me out, and resolution of feelings?

part six: After four years we finally have a Picture

And then it was my 21st birthday, friends from all around came to drink. JK like six people came and it was perfect. Male friend showed up and bought me shots of whiskey. That's pretty much all I can really recall from that particular instance, but to be fair, it was also almost a year ago.

So up until Halloween whenever we hung out it was always a party of three. Me, Banana, and the Boy. And then it happened. The Boy and I hung out, just the two of us, for the first time.
And within five minutes we both had made the awkwardness go away because we established what we where to each other: unrelated siblings. Cheers Cheers Cheers. And from that moment, we bgan and adventure of friendship.
We started talking more and more and hanging out on a more frequent basis. Banana also slowly slipped away.

It became a total reversal of how it had been. And well, we were happy about it. I mean I was the girl who essentially told him how it was and translated the insane things the girls he dated were doing. And he was the first guy that I was able to fully trust in a very long time.
In a way his friendship has meant more to me than he will ever understand, and I'm not gonna tell him because that would be weird. But he really has made me able to open up and feel comfortable around the male species at large. So for that, there is no amount of thanks that could ever be enough.

Anyway we lived in our little bubble of friendship for a bit and then the weird questions from others happened.
We were just having a drink with a few people when my Friend went to get another drink. That's when it happened. His friend gave me a weird look and asked
"So, you guys are kinda dating right?"
I said no. His response?
"But you have dated right? I mean you guys kinda, act like it."
Again, I said no.
He was shocked.
"Really? You guys never got together?"

This was just the opening of the flood gates. People began to constantly assume we were dating. It felt weird. He's my best friend, and basically like a sibling. It became a sort of joke between us. But Honestly, most of the time we hung out we talked about the girls he was interested in and had me decoding their crazy.
And no, I'm not saying crazy in ways to make my gender seem lesser, but the girls he dated did all of the conventional and stereotypical things that are normally marked at faux paus. And while what these girls said and did make sense to other girls, they seem to baffle the world of boys. Hence why I was such an important part of helping him deal with dating. But for the most part, I was his confidante and pretty knew everything that was going on.

But it was when he started dating his somewhat serious girlfriend is when things got a tad bit sticky. Maybe because she thought that there was something going on between him and me. (Which I actually didn't know about until last week). I didn't really see Him all that much while he was dating this girl, but when I did he was happy and in love.
And then he got his heart broken. And like a best friend I was there for him. And like a best friend I was the one listening to him at three am when he couldn't sleep and wanted to talk about all of his feelings.

Which of course, made us closer. And reinforcing the idea that there was something between us.

For the record before the next part: There's not.